Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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