3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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