shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
there's paper in my vomit.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
