I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
