Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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