Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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