he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
