I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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