he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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