Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I am puke
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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