I didn't shave. On purpose
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
