my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
