White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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