Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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