someone threw a dead crab at me
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
