I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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