I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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