i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
