I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
