When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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