I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
