I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
