Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
