as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
