So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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