Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
