i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We need a shit load of segways right now
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
