i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
