If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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