Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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