hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
