dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
