Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize