I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
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You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
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we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
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