the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
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He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
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I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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