Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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