He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
try lime green
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body