I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Randomize
