I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.