Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
