how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
