the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
