I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
