the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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