That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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