I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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