Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
