she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
