just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
