Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
