Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
