I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
