Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
