atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
