In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
