i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i now understand why vodka
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
