you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
