Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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