Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
