he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
