So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize