Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
