i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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