in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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